If you are looking for opportunities to earn honor, there has never been a time when it is in such high need, and there is so little societal capacity for it.
This is getting at something true. I've made a couple of new friendly acquaintances lately and though I Iike them, they both were kind of gossipy and judgy about some stuff. That makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to have to be aware and not just kind of fall into behaving similarly with them, since following the lead of a strong personality is easy to do. Instead of doing the right thing, which might be verbalizing disagreeing with an opinion or take or something. I think this is also why I don't trash talk my husband to other people, even when I'm mad at him. Because talking ABOUT him is the easy route to confirming my priors and feeding resentment; talking TO him provides the opportunity to clear things up and perhaps change my perspective after I've heard his
I'm still learning to tell the difference between two situations, and there isn't always a clear line: Sometimes we are legitimately seeking help, and other times we are gossiping.
Talking about issues is a big part of making things real for me. If I hold it in, it doesn't become real and I can't find a path forward. I feel very alone trying to emotionally solve the problem myself, by trying to change my emotional reactions to things (which doesn't work). I'm very collaborative in the sense that I want to establish a common understanding of a situation and find a mutual path forward. But what happens when your collaborator is on such a different page that they aren't hearing you? I would say that I have benefited from non-judgmental and supportive listeners, that don't bring narratives to my story, that helped me verbalize my problems. There was something about this that psychologically get's me to the place of: this is real, we need to find a new solution, I am not alone, we can do something. And that's been really important for me.
You nailed it with "non-judgmental and supportive listeners." Gossip is "what a bitch amiright??!!!" Whereas a good listener will help find the nuance. Even if the conclusion is the same.
My father and husband were both in the military and Honor was a value. I see it sometimes today in school and sports but not of the magnitude you discuss. I live in a fairly rural area where they still have 4th of July parades (unironically). It is a value that people would do well to consider.
I'd say it is having some values and trying to stay true to them. Right now I'm having a hard time over censorship. It's always been a value as a librarian I've tried to support. On one hand librarians are fighting against book bans and supporting drag queen story hours but on the other they are ignoring Big tech censorship. The reason for the latter is that it is in accordance with the current progressive narrative. So that puts me outside of the group but the value, the honor is no censorship. Some days it is very hard.
I had an honor inflection about Hillary Clinton. I truly supported her until the mess about her e-mail server (July 2016) and then because she was dishonorable about that I voted Green Party.
Yeah - this is spot on. To me, it feels to weird to say: Hillary Clinton was dishonorable in her approach to correspondence and public record, but that is the right word. One might use the word hypocritical, but hypocritical feels like a mistake, while dishonorable indicates intention to have different standards for enemies, friends, and yourself in order to benefit one's self.
Communities would be stronger and happier if we could recognize that hypocrisy isn't ok, and its not a mistake.
"Having some values and staying true to them." Bingo! Another way of saying this is keeping your word. If you give your word to someone, keep it. This is the way you build integrity in your community. People will trust you. Civilization is built on this trust and becomes weak when this value becomes fragmented.
I've given my word to people and later regretted it. But, I followed through and delivered what I said I would even though it cost me - sometimes time, sometimes dollars, sometimes well-being. I was more careful and thoughtful about giving my word afterward. Giving your word may have costs. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to pay those costs.
I've built my life around acting with integrity in reaction to the lack of this value in my childhood - which left me in a horribly confused and broken state as a young adult. It feels good at my core to be honorable - to live "rightly." It is a way of respecting other people and taking care of both them and yourself. You are a person other people can count on and healthy communities need such people to thrive.
One of the reasons I excelled in the military in spite of being an artistic, nonconformist personality, is that I agreed with the Army's motto: Duty, Honor, Courage. I was in alignment with these values and had no problem working to uphold them. I am a strange pastiche of old-school and libertarian values - an odd bird, indeed. ;-)
I love this eloquent and thoughtful essay. I think you've hit on a key ingredient in the cultural malaise you mentioned. Being a good person isn't about being "right" which is a fungible position that is more "flavor of the week" than truth. Being a good person is about keeping your word and respecting other people; allowing other people to retain their dignity and humanity even if you disagree with them.
All of the ground-zero demonizing going on is not helping us move anything forward or helping real people, as you suggest. It just feeds our self-righteous egos and our deep desire to score points against out groups. When is the last time a public figure spoke about what was best for the country in a humble, meaningful way (meaning not posturing)? JFK comes to mind. Jimmy Carter, possibly.
How could we catalyze teaching this value again? Perhaps children's or YA books focusing on ways of practicing being honorable and acting with integrity would be one path. Perhaps video games could be created that build an awareness of these values. School curricula, also. Where there is a will, there is a way.
Great essay! I especially like your emphasis on losing honorably. It is so important to be able to concede a point in an argument--how else will we learn?--or to lose with grace--how else will we improve?
While my Honor track record is by no means perfect, I am lucky to be married to a man who is one of the most honorable people I have ever met. His uncompromising integrity can be a challenge when I want to cut corners, but I am grateful that he holds me and everyone he cares about to a high standard. Living with him has made it clear how often, in ways big and small, we are tempted to cheat or find a loophole, and how important it is to resist that temptation.
I also laughed at your Substack’s title--don’t all bird feeders belong to the squirrels? 😂
LOL! We've successfully squirrel-proofed our feeder but struggle with the larger birds like Stellar's Jays and Acorn Woodpeckers hogging the feeders and bullying the smaller songbirds - including the Hummingbird feeders. Nature can be a dominance game.
Acorn woodpeckers have very long tongues - up to 2" long or more. They clutch on the bottom of the feeder, even after we removed the perches, sometimes hanging on by one talon and stick their tongue through the hole and snarf up the juice. It's exasperating - they are too clever by half. We are working on some way of foiling their efforts.
Nice to interface with you as well. I've missed reading your comments on FW, but I was spending too much time there and needed to focus. I'll return at some point when I get a few critical items slotted in my space. Hope you are having a delightful summer! 🌼
This is getting at something true. I've made a couple of new friendly acquaintances lately and though I Iike them, they both were kind of gossipy and judgy about some stuff. That makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to have to be aware and not just kind of fall into behaving similarly with them, since following the lead of a strong personality is easy to do. Instead of doing the right thing, which might be verbalizing disagreeing with an opinion or take or something. I think this is also why I don't trash talk my husband to other people, even when I'm mad at him. Because talking ABOUT him is the easy route to confirming my priors and feeding resentment; talking TO him provides the opportunity to clear things up and perhaps change my perspective after I've heard his
I think that's a great value.
I'm still learning to tell the difference between two situations, and there isn't always a clear line: Sometimes we are legitimately seeking help, and other times we are gossiping.
Talking about issues is a big part of making things real for me. If I hold it in, it doesn't become real and I can't find a path forward. I feel very alone trying to emotionally solve the problem myself, by trying to change my emotional reactions to things (which doesn't work). I'm very collaborative in the sense that I want to establish a common understanding of a situation and find a mutual path forward. But what happens when your collaborator is on such a different page that they aren't hearing you? I would say that I have benefited from non-judgmental and supportive listeners, that don't bring narratives to my story, that helped me verbalize my problems. There was something about this that psychologically get's me to the place of: this is real, we need to find a new solution, I am not alone, we can do something. And that's been really important for me.
You nailed it with "non-judgmental and supportive listeners." Gossip is "what a bitch amiright??!!!" Whereas a good listener will help find the nuance. Even if the conclusion is the same.
Well, here is Mary Harrington with the answer: https://reactionaryfeminist.substack.com/p/the-missing-aunties
We need more aunties. :)
Oh wow, I love this formulation that griping about our husbands to other people just confirms our priors.
My father and husband were both in the military and Honor was a value. I see it sometimes today in school and sports but not of the magnitude you discuss. I live in a fairly rural area where they still have 4th of July parades (unironically). It is a value that people would do well to consider.
How would you define honor Kathleen? Its such a foreign concept I'm not entirely sure what to think about it.
I'd say it is having some values and trying to stay true to them. Right now I'm having a hard time over censorship. It's always been a value as a librarian I've tried to support. On one hand librarians are fighting against book bans and supporting drag queen story hours but on the other they are ignoring Big tech censorship. The reason for the latter is that it is in accordance with the current progressive narrative. So that puts me outside of the group but the value, the honor is no censorship. Some days it is very hard.
I had an honor inflection about Hillary Clinton. I truly supported her until the mess about her e-mail server (July 2016) and then because she was dishonorable about that I voted Green Party.
Yeah - this is spot on. To me, it feels to weird to say: Hillary Clinton was dishonorable in her approach to correspondence and public record, but that is the right word. One might use the word hypocritical, but hypocritical feels like a mistake, while dishonorable indicates intention to have different standards for enemies, friends, and yourself in order to benefit one's self.
Communities would be stronger and happier if we could recognize that hypocrisy isn't ok, and its not a mistake.
"Having some values and staying true to them." Bingo! Another way of saying this is keeping your word. If you give your word to someone, keep it. This is the way you build integrity in your community. People will trust you. Civilization is built on this trust and becomes weak when this value becomes fragmented.
I've given my word to people and later regretted it. But, I followed through and delivered what I said I would even though it cost me - sometimes time, sometimes dollars, sometimes well-being. I was more careful and thoughtful about giving my word afterward. Giving your word may have costs. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to pay those costs.
I've built my life around acting with integrity in reaction to the lack of this value in my childhood - which left me in a horribly confused and broken state as a young adult. It feels good at my core to be honorable - to live "rightly." It is a way of respecting other people and taking care of both them and yourself. You are a person other people can count on and healthy communities need such people to thrive.
One of the reasons I excelled in the military in spite of being an artistic, nonconformist personality, is that I agreed with the Army's motto: Duty, Honor, Courage. I was in alignment with these values and had no problem working to uphold them. I am a strange pastiche of old-school and libertarian values - an odd bird, indeed. ;-)
This is a beautiful and thoughtful essay.
💯
I love this eloquent and thoughtful essay. I think you've hit on a key ingredient in the cultural malaise you mentioned. Being a good person isn't about being "right" which is a fungible position that is more "flavor of the week" than truth. Being a good person is about keeping your word and respecting other people; allowing other people to retain their dignity and humanity even if you disagree with them.
All of the ground-zero demonizing going on is not helping us move anything forward or helping real people, as you suggest. It just feeds our self-righteous egos and our deep desire to score points against out groups. When is the last time a public figure spoke about what was best for the country in a humble, meaningful way (meaning not posturing)? JFK comes to mind. Jimmy Carter, possibly.
How could we catalyze teaching this value again? Perhaps children's or YA books focusing on ways of practicing being honorable and acting with integrity would be one path. Perhaps video games could be created that build an awareness of these values. School curricula, also. Where there is a will, there is a way.
I don't even know how one would bring back the idea of honor. I truly believe that if I started talking about it, people would think I was a fool.
I suppose I can at least teach my daughter about these topics. Maybe a book is a good way to go, who can write a book about honor?
I think it would be an excellent creative challenge for authors.
Great essay! I especially like your emphasis on losing honorably. It is so important to be able to concede a point in an argument--how else will we learn?--or to lose with grace--how else will we improve?
While my Honor track record is by no means perfect, I am lucky to be married to a man who is one of the most honorable people I have ever met. His uncompromising integrity can be a challenge when I want to cut corners, but I am grateful that he holds me and everyone he cares about to a high standard. Living with him has made it clear how often, in ways big and small, we are tempted to cheat or find a loophole, and how important it is to resist that temptation.
I also laughed at your Substack’s title--don’t all bird feeders belong to the squirrels? 😂
Your husband seems like a wonderful man.
Don’t all bird feeders belong to the squirrels?
Sooner or later. Sooner or later.😉
LOL! We've successfully squirrel-proofed our feeder but struggle with the larger birds like Stellar's Jays and Acorn Woodpeckers hogging the feeders and bullying the smaller songbirds - including the Hummingbird feeders. Nature can be a dominance game.
What's a woodpecker going to eat from a hummingbird feeder? Jerks.
Thanks for stopping by! Its nice to "see" you. I hope you are well!
Acorn woodpeckers have very long tongues - up to 2" long or more. They clutch on the bottom of the feeder, even after we removed the perches, sometimes hanging on by one talon and stick their tongue through the hole and snarf up the juice. It's exasperating - they are too clever by half. We are working on some way of foiling their efforts.
Nice to interface with you as well. I've missed reading your comments on FW, but I was spending too much time there and needed to focus. I'll return at some point when I get a few critical items slotted in my space. Hope you are having a delightful summer! 🌼